Why Are You A Single Mommy?

Many people are wondering WHY I am a single mom-to-be. A brave guy DM'd me and congratulated me on my pregnancy and then said "sad though, why u a single mommy? if u don't mind me asking."

I don't think he was being disrespectful or out of line, I think he has the view our society has molded us to have... Babies should be brought into this world with their parents married in a beautiful home. 

I was brought up with both my parents in my life. I had a beautiful upbringing but that is because my parents had a great relationship with each other. My situation is a different kind of beautiful and it is far from sad... 

What is more sad than a single mom, is a household of domestic violence. A woman or man getting beat up by their partner in front of their children. It is sad when she/he swears staying with their partner will benefit the kid. It is sad because it does more harm to those children than single parenting ever will. 

I think a woman or man continually being cheated on by their partner is more sad than a single mom or dad. It shows the kid(s) that those types of behaviors are ok because mommy or daddy accepts them. Again, the woman or man allowing the disrespect is sad. It is sad because it does more harm to those children than single parenting ever will. 

Parents who are together and party all the time with their children in the house or taking their children out make me more sad than me being single with my son. Putting your own child in harms way and/or choosing your own selfish needs doesn't appeal to me. It is sad because it does more harm to those children than single parenting ever will. 

A parent who begs the other parent to be with him/her makes me sad. It makes me sad that their child will see how insecurities and lack of confidence consumed their parents enough to not be happy and healthy in a relationship. It makes me sad that a parent will use a child to keep their man or woman. It is sad because it does more harm to those children than single parenting ever will. 

I'm not about any of those situations and that is why I choose to be single and I am happy that my baby's father thinks the same. My child's father and I both know we aren't meant to be together and will not force it. I respect him for being honest and I'm sure he respects me for not being bitter. I'm not bitter. There was a time I was in complete infatuation with him, but that changed literally the night before I even knew I was pregnant. I am grateful for his sperm (lol) because that sperm gave me a whole new life, literally. Although I did not plan on things going down the way they did, I am definitely trying my best to give this precious baby a great life as best I could by co-parenting and I am very happy he is doing the same. 

As for finding a partner, I will wait until I find the perfect partner, not only for my romantic pleasure, but for the well-being of my son. It may take my whole life, I may finally find my soulmate when my son is 30 years old, but I will wait. My parents have showed me that is it possible to find a life partner even after having kids. For now, my son is all that matters to me. He is my whole world, my whole life, my whole existence, my whole purpose. I am not sad nor think that it is sad to be in this situation. I love this place in my life and wouldn't change it for the world. Besides, can any of you imagine me married to a man, being pregnant, trying to please both of our needs? Or getting abused, cheated on, not changing to my lifestyle to fit my pregnancy, or forcing someone to be with me? Could you see me allowing someone to tell me what, when, how, why to eat or drink, exercise or not, use coconut oil or not, etc, etc, etc??? Yeah, me neither. ;) 

Working with a Belly

Working can be stressful. What is even more stressful is figuring out a way to let your job know you are expecting. I have had 4 different jobs while being pregnant so this is my advice on spilling the beans, before your belly knocks it over. 

I told 3 of my jobs I was pregnant; I did not tell the 4th because I am no longer employed with them (although we both plan on that in the future and would have totally told them). So this is how I went about it:

1. WITH CONFIDENCE

I was very nervous to start my internship at Los Alamos National Laboratory (LANL) not because I wasn't sure how well I would do, but because I was scared they wouldn't appreciate me telling them I was pregnant after them hiring me. I went into my supervisors office and told her of my pregnancy the second day on the job. I told her I was pregnant and would have to take off in June (after only 4 months on the job) and said, "but I am very serious about this internship and opportunity I have taken." She then went on to say that I could very much go to school, work, and be a great mom. She also said we would work hard to get me into their master's program at LANL. 

I then made an appointment with our work clinic to see what I could and could not do on the job(I got limited to lifting 10lbs and was instructed take breaks often). I had the sweetest nurse ever and she told me "First of all, we are so happy to have you at LANL especially during your pregnancy. This is a great place to work and we have to many ways to accommodate you and your soon to be child." HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!! Like seriously, I wanted to cry when she said that. At my old job, I was stressing the hell out about my pregnancy and I wasn't going to get nearly as many useful benefits as LANL.

It was awesome that I got that kind of reaction from both my supervisor and the nurse because it made me that much happier about my pregnancy. 

2. WITH HAPPINESS

When I told my part-time boss, I was super nervous only because I know her on a personal level. I have known her since I was a little girl. Anyways, I told her I was pregnant and probably could only work up to a certain point being that I didn't want to overwork myself with my other job and school. I told her how happy both me and my parents were (they are friends with her and her husband and know each other very well). She was so happy and has even offered to host my baby shower! She is awesome! 

I had a horrible time with my tribe and my pregnancy, Either someone was spreading rumors of who my child's father was or trying to find a way to get rid of the preggo. It was hard for me to be happy at work because I could count on my left hand who was truly happy for me (besides my family who works for my tribe). BUT at LANL, I told my team that I was pregnant when I introduced myself in a team meeting. They all congratulated me and gave me warm, sincere smiles. It made me happy that they were happy with my happiness and excitement for this new chapter of my life. It was sad to think that strangers were more happy than my own people. *wipes tear being totally sarcastic* This one is important because you need to find a job that is happy for you no matter what is going on in your life. If you can't feel comfortable at work, or your work isn't too big on family, then you should find a better job. It'll benefit you and baby :-) 

3. BY PLANNING

I looked over LANL policies to get familiar with what I may need/want. I then went to talk to an HR rep. I am pleased to say that she made me so comfortable with the maternity process. She encouraged me to take the full 12 weeks for maternity and even got me on an insurance that would pay me during my maternity leave (I was freaking out about finances due to not having any leave given I am a new employee). It was so comforting to get all of that planned with her I am definitely going to send her chocolates when my due date gets closer. The HR director at my other job in the tribe did not like me and would make horrible pregnancy comments which made it very uncomfortable for me to seek HR assistance. Totally messed up but that's a whole other issue I no longer have to worry about. 

So start planning by looking at your work policies, be confident in what you have to offer, and be HAPPY. Happiness is so beautiful. Pregnancy isn't the end of a career, it is the beginning of a new life for you and baby. When I first found out about my pregnancy, I was scared of how this new baby would impact my career. Now, I am confident that my baby has given me much more purpose and drive to become the best Native American professional I can be. I am certain my baby has given me a love that will help me surpass the roughest of semesters and work days. It is clear that this baby of mine has done so much more to benefit me than he has done to burden me. My only worry was my career yet it has taken flight only after my baby's kicks of motivation ;) 

Pregnancy support

All you need in life is family…

I couldn’t imagine having a better family – from my immediate to my extended. I have the best family I could have asked for and my pregnancy is definitely one event that helped me see that.

This is my story of how my family taught me that pregnancy isn’t a misfortune, rather it is the biggest blessing.

It was October 10^th when I bought 3 pregnancy tests (LOL) that all came out positive. I didn’t plan on telling my parents I was pregnant until Thanksgiving but ended up telling them on November 15^th.  I had this heavy burden on my mind; I felt like I was lying to my parents by not telling them about how much my life was going to change. I was scared to death to tell my dad. I knew my mom would be 110% supportive, but for some odd reason I was scared of disappointing my dad. I thought that pregnancy was a huge disappointment… well pregnancy is the exact opposite.

It was a Sunday morning. I had made breakfast and we were all eating together, which rarely happens for breakfast because my mom sleeps late. I could barely eat because I felt like I needed to tell them that very second. I went to my room, got my ultrasound pics, went back into the kitchen and said, “I have to tell you guys something.” They looked at me awaiting my news. I told them I was pregnant and my mom said, “what??” she didn’t believe me hahaha. I started crying and said, “I am and I’m scared!!!” and put the ultrasound pics on the table. My dad grabbed the pics and started looking at them. My mom got up and hugged me as I sobbed like her big baby. 

I was very scared. I was scared of becoming a mom, I was scared of not being able to provide for my baby, I was scared of not being a good mom, I was scared of miscarriage, I was scared of every single possibility my mind could imagine. And then my mom said the most beautiful, sincere thing a mother could tell her daughter and soon-to-be grandson, “It is ok. Don’t be scared. You may not think you’re ready, but you are. God knows you can do this. This is a blessing, don’t cry.” My dad got up from his place at the table and hugged me too. They both held me until I stopped crying and then asked questions like when I was due, what it was (yes my dad thought I knew that early lol), and of course, about the baby’s dad. At the time, the baby’s dad didn’t want to be part of his life so when I told my parents, I expected a lecture from my dad. What I got was more support. They told me I was totally capable of doing this on my own and that I always had them and the rest of our families.

 It made me unbelievably happy because I saw how much confidence they had in me. Not only were they confident I could take on ANY challenge, they were happy. At the end of breakfast, they told me how happy they were and it has definitely gleamed throughout my entire pregnancy. I was so afraid to tell my dad yet he is my biggest supporter and his face lights up every single conversation we have about my son.

I then told my grandma. Her smile made me feel so much better. She was so happy. She was even happier when I found out my son was a boy. She was happy because she wanted my dad to have a grandson. I went on to tell other members of my family including my little Rhirhi. At first, she gave me the about-to-cry look. She probably figured I’d ignore her after my baby came along, but when I explained to her that family was meant to share the joys of raising a baby, she agreed to help babysit “only on Monday’s” lol and to be a mentor to my baby. She went on asking a million questions and even rubs coconut oil on my belly and plays dr with me to check on baby.

Going to my mom’s side of the family during the holidays, everyone was so excited to congratulate me and rub my belly. Everyone made me feel loved but that wasn’t the best part. The best part was that my family already loved the little guy we all have yet to meet. It doesn’t surprise me one bit. I know how loving my family is and I expected no less than what I received.

On my dad’s side, my grandma’s sisters all cutely hugged and kissed me and said congrats. My grandpa’s sisters both told me congrats and that they were happy. One of my aunts asked me if I had any morning sickness. I said no because at the time, I didn’t. In the time before I didn’t tell my parents, I would get nauseous after big meals but I didn’t throw up once. Anyways, I told my aunt no morning sickness had happened to me and she told me that she believes when you are happy, your body accepts the baby and you don’t get any sickness. 

I found it to be true in my case. When I finally fully accepted my son, I started having the most amazing pregnancy and time of my life. I have had such a beautiful pregnancy so far I am able to love my pregnancy. I have grown to love how large I am getting because I know my son is growing. I have loved every bit of exhaustion because I know my body is taking care of me and my son. I have learned to love all my limitations and challenges because it makes me feel selfless to my child. I have had a wonderful pregnancy because I knew behind me, I had my parents, my grandma, aunts, uncles, niece, cousins, and myself.

As for the women who don’t have that support system, I will be your support system. All you need is one person to believe in you. And I believe in you fully. Trust me, this is a hell of a ride, but the rewards behind it are gracious. Keep working for you and your baby, and things will fall into place.

Although I am not where I planned to be career wise, I am definitely happy. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I will still accomplish all I set out to accomplish because my son will never be seen as a burden on my career. He is now going to be the beneficiary of all my hard work. He is going to see his hardworking mama giving him a life full of endless love and resources.

I have taken a vow to fully support him NO MATTER WHAT. I don’t care if he plans on becoming a professional football player, a brain surgeon, or a dog walker- I vow to support his dream. I don’t care if he decides to start his family at age 15 or 35- I vow to love his children and choices. I will support my baby no matter what because all I ever needed and fortunately received was the love and support of my family but most importantly my parents.

I am eternally grateful for the family I have and even more grateful that my son has these same amazing people that support and love him. Thanks to my family. I love each and every single one of you. *mwah* 

Due DATE?

We all know pregnant women have a due date but can a pregnant woman get another date? Say dinner, movies, hiking, etc? 

The short answer is yes and no. The long answer is it depends.

TINDER:
How many of you have heard of Tinder? It is a social media app that allows you to find people you'd like to meet based on shared interest and your location. Cool and scary right? Anyways, I used Tinder to run my experiment. I signed up for Tinder and swiped left and right randomly (swiping right means you "liked" someone and swiping right meant you were't interested). If and when I swiped right to someone who also swiped right to me, we were able to chat. I chatted with a few dudes and then I found one guy who was pretty cool to chat with and put the bait on the hook and well,,,

 

So yes, it is definitely possible to get a date while pregnant. 

There was also a guy on tinder who had on his bio, "If you have child(ren), swipe left" which a great way to steer you clear of the guys who aren't interested in dating mothers. I found this actually to my liking: honesty is best.

After awhile, Tinder made me feel like a piece of meat. Random guys writing to me while I'm easily annoyed, no thanks *deletes account and app* 

GUYFRIENDS:

For this experience, I asked two of my guy friends to answer some questions. One is one of my good friends whom I've known for years and the other is a new friend of mine. I asked these questions:

          1. Would you date a pregnant woman? Why or why not?

          2. If you find interest in someone and then discover she is pregnant, would you lose interest? 

          3. What are your thoughts on pregnant women dating?

          4. What are your thoughts on pregnant women who desire to stay single, but still date?

          5. On a first date, if a woman isn't showing, would you rather she tell you she is pregnant?

          6. Do you think it is fair a woman dates until her child is born?

          7. Is dating a single mother different than a pregnant woman? Why or why not?

Ok to make it short, both of my friends said no they wouldn't knowingly date a pregnant woman. One said because he doesn't know where she stands with her baby daddy. Could she just be dating him to get the father jealous? And yes, they would lose interest. Their thoughts on pregnant women dating is that it is totally their choice. Why? Because it is their choice :). As for the first date, one said yes, one said no. No because it is only a first date, nothing serious. And they both think dating a single mom vs a pregnant woman is different because of the different places they are in their lives. 

AN ACTUAL DATE:

I wanted to go on an actual date for the experiment but after a week of Tinder:

1. I deleted my account because I realized how much I was not wanting to date.

2. I realized in order to actually date, you have to have some damn time. I have zero time and once my baby gets here, everything is going to revolve around him. 

After talking to my two guy friends:

1. I saw how guys think a lot differently about dating than I do. I think of a date as a fun time while SOME guys think of it as a means to find the one to settle down with. 

2. I realized that some guys see that some women just love their independence and KNOW they don't need a man (sounds a lot like me). 

MY FINDINGS:

It is totally cool to date while pregnant if that is what you desire. You are totally capable of finding a date. Have fun and do what your heart desires, pregnant or not. :)

Special shout out to my two guy friends who answered my questions for me and my Tinder buddy who gave me permission to post our convo online and thought my experiment was cool.