Sorry, Not Sorry to My Baby

For starters, I want to apologize for rarely apologizing but in an effort to be the best mommy I can be to you...

I am sorry I wasn't able to give you the American Dream type of family. You won't be living in a white picket fenced house with your father mowing the lawn, me cooking dinner, you teaching the dog how to perform tricks, and your sister sleeping peacefully in her crib. I am sorry that I'm not certain of type of father you are going to have, I have no idea how often you will see him, and I don't know what relationship you will have with him.
I am certain though, you will be every bit as capable and happy as if you had the best mom and dad in the world. Why? Because you have me, grandma, and grandpa. I am sorry that I don't have it all together right now. I don't have my career or our own house...YET. For the first couple of years mommy is going to depend a lot on the help of your grandparents and I am in no way, shape, or form sorry about that. Why? Because they are amazing people and I wouldn't trust anyone else besides them to help raise you.
I apologize that I will be at work and school sometimes but I am not sorry that I will have an education and a great job for the two of us. I am not sorry that you will have an educated, independent, driven mother who is going to mold you into the man you will be. I will soon build us our own home where we can grow together. A place I can teach you how to cook and you can teach me how to finger paint. A place we can hang all your pictures and tell scary stories. A place we can invite your friends and cousins for sleep-overs and football games. A place that is ours.
I am far from sorry that you will learn things for the greatest man in my eyes. You will learn how to show respect, be courageous, have a great sense of humor, fish, fix a flat, change oil, plant a seed, mow a lawn, cut weeds, and most importantly love from the greatest man in our lives, your grandpa. I am not sorry that you will probably never go without sugar (literally and figuratively speaking) from your grandma. I will apologize in advance if she kisses you too much, holds you too much, buys you too much, but remember it will never be possible for her to love you too much.
I'm sorry that I am going to be your mom and not your best friend. I'm not sorry that I am a Gemini and will be a fun mom who is a true kid at heart. I am not sorry that I still play tag, doctor, house, and with toys with your little cousins being 33 weeks pregnant. I am sorry that I may embarrass you when I tell others of your first time using the potty. I am sorry that I may sometimes lose my patience and raise my voice. Please know baby, I will be your mother before anything else but that does not mean I won't be the first person you can trust, confide in, and have fun with!
I am sorry that I don't have the answers to everything. I'm sorry I don't know what the clouds feel like, why the earth is round but looks flat, why the sky is blue, or why some people are ruthless. I do know something very important though, there is a purpose for life. My purpose in life is to express sacrificial love. I was put on this earth for you my baby. I am sorry I didn't dream of you before and I am sorry I didn't plan you. I am not sorry that you came into my life. You have prepared me for real life. Life after the selfish, crazy, heartbroken, lost path. You have led me to true happiness.
I am sorry for my impatience. I cannot wait until I go into labor. Why? Sacrificial love. I want to feel each and every contraction so I can see my little boy. I am brave because of the strength you have given me. I want to endure every second of that horrible pain because at the end of it all, I get to see you with my eyes. I get to hold you with my arms. I get to feed you with my breasts. I get to kiss you with my lips. I get you and I am not sorry for it.

First and last?

 

This is my first pregnancy. God gave me the opportunity to enjoy a healthy, happy pregnancy. I appreciate the blessing but I want this pregnancy to be my last, so why can’t I get my tubes tied at 22?

 

When baby Aguino is grown (lets say 18) and I have no one to care for like I cared for him all those years, that is when I would CONSIDER having another child. By then I will be 40 or 41 years old, and trust and believe I will not be getting pregnant at that age. I will not be starting all over and having my last kid out of the house when I am 58. That isn’t my cup of tea; not now that I am 22 years old or then when I am 40 years old. Hell no. So why doesn’t my doctor accept my request to get my “tubes tied?” Why does he say, “good luck finding a doctor who will tie your tubes at 22”?

I understand the permanency of tying your tubes. Once you get them done, you cannot undo it. I understand he wants me to consider that I will only be maybe 23 when I give birth and I still have years of fertility ahead of me. But why can’t doctors understand WHY I want to tie my tubes. 

My doctor (I met him for the first time this week after transferring) asked me if it is because I had a difficult pregnancy. No. I have had a wonderful pregnancy (besides the heartburn) but do I want to be pregnant again? No. 9 months is too long for me. It isn’t about the pregnancy though- it is about my plans and vision for the rest of my life. 

There are women who dream of getting married and having 6 kids. They pick out their wedding dress, bridesmaids, baby names, baby nurseries, baby clothes at a young age. Then there are females like me, who at 10 years old, set a goal to own their own home, land their dream job, and travel the world. You see, I never dream of having a family. I thought of adopting and sharing that home, career, and travel with a kid but now I am having my own kid which is (now) so much cooler to me. 

I do not, nor ever will, see my kid as a burden. I love him too much to think he will hinder my success or dreams. He is now the purpose to kick more ass and do more for the both of us. The way I see the next 18 years of my life is preparing my mini me to sail off into the world and live his life in any way he chooses. I see all of my attention and love going to him every second of every day for those 18 years (and of course more space when he is living his own life). I see us with a resilient bond that can never be duplicated. I see a life with my life partner, my soulmate, my best friend, my baby. 

I also understand that I need to be open to love. I understand that I may one day meet the man of my dreams and maybe love him uncontrollably. Maybe this man will want me to carry his children, but I never liked that idea… “having his baby.” If I were to tie my tubes, meet a man who wants to have kids with me but I can’t, then he has two choices: love it or leave it. If he chooses to leave and find another lover who can bear his kids, great for him. If he chooses to love and still finds happiness in me, great for the both of us. Either one will speak volumes. 

I just don’t understand why it is normal for a female to want 2 kids – one boy named Max and one girl named Sophie– but it God forbid a female to accept and only want one baby boy for the rest of her life. Or for an 18 year old to not want any kids along with not wanting to put hormones or foreign objects in her body (birth control pills, patches, shots, implants). And of course condoms are good because they prevent pregnancy and STD/STI but they aren’t 100% guaranteed. The only form of birth control that is 100% effective is abstinence but really how realistic is that?

What do yall think of getting your tubes tied at a young age? I’d like to hear even if you disagree with me! 

How to Rock Your Baby Bump

 Your body changes so much during pregnancy, you must make some clothing adjustments in order to accommodate your growing body to not only be cute, but also comfortable.

 I have gotten many compliments (mainly in person) on how great I look for my stage of pregnancy, in every stage so far. I decorated my belly cutely, professionally, and comfortably without breaking my bank. Here is how:

1. Cardigans and Sweaters and Blazers, Oh My!


During months 1-6, I could literally hide my pregnancy with a knit cascading cardigan that I had in my closet (like this one) or an oversized sweater my dad bought me at Walmart on sale for I believe $13

I would wear a tank top, pants/leggings/jeans and you couldn't tell I was carrying a baby. Now that you can definitely tell I am pregnant, I still wear my cardigan and sweater as they compliment my bump perfectly.
Recently, I have gone back to wearing blazers because they are super cute with baby bumps.

Pictured above is one of my favorite fit moms.... check her out!
I saw how great celebs looked with a blazer and had a few handy so I wore them even if they did not button because no one, I repeat, NO ONE, can tell you nothing hehehe. Plus, a blazer can make your whole outfit look a lot more work-worthy without even trying.

2. Maternity Pants

Let me just say I FREAKING LOVE MATERNITY PANTS AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM.... In the very beginning I had no problem fitting into my clothes because my little man was the whopping size of a poppyseed. After a couple of months, I wore my jeans and work I already had by simply using some rubber bands to hold them together while making them a little bigger just like this....

It worked for awhile, just in time for my maternity pants to be delivered. I didn't necessary need to start wearing maternity pants so early, but I did because, again, I FREAKING LOVE THEM AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WOULD BE WITHOUT THEM!!!
I got used maternity pants for cheap on SWAP.COM. They were in great condition and fit perfectly.
I would suggest getting maternity pants because when your bottoms fit great, the rest of your outfit is easier.
I tried to buy oversized pants with one pair of pants that were on sale for $10 at Rue21 and it was a disaster. I got size 11 and they don't fit my waist or my legs (too big) comfy but not cute at all. The last thing I should worry about is my pants slipping off my waist, right? So get some maternity pants and you can rock any top with them - form fitting, loose fitting.

3. Dresses
Dresses have been my favorite outfit. I have worn dresses with leggings, panty hose, or my bare legs. They are so comfy.
You can wear a loose fitting, vibrant dress with cute shoes like this....

or a form fitting dress like this (got on sale at target for $7)

or a simple jersey dress (I have tons)...

Dresses are always cute and comfy!!! plus, they fit even with a baby bump!

These are my 3 tips to compliment that beautiful baby bump with very little effort and money spent.

I feel best when I look best, especially at work. Don't get me wrong, I don't rock my bump cutely all day, everyday. Catch me after work or on Sunday's in my yoga pants, t-shirts, and Nikes.

What are your pregnancy-go-to outfits?